Many people are interested in improving their Interpersonal Communication, but they’re often not aware of how their Intrapersonal* Communication affects their life.
If you think of a relationship between two (or more) people as a system—each being a “system” member—we can apply system thinking and system coaching concepts to interpersonal relationships, whether they’re personal or professional. There are so many things going on, since the system members bring their own “luggage” (beliefs, background, knowledge) to the relationship—which affects their interactions and how they communicate. The common goal (the purpose of the relationship) could also influence how they relate to each other and the actions they take.
Putting things in perspective: this relationship system is a subsystem of one or more (bigger) systems, which brings additional challenges and opportunities based on external factors.
Teams and organizations are also relationship systems, but we’ll talk about that another time.
A person is a relationship system
Today I’d like to draw your attention to considering yourself … a relationship system!
“How come? I’m only one person!”—you might say.
We can apply system thinking and system coaching concepts to individuals as well, not only to interpersonal relationships. Because you (one person) have your own Inner Team in your head. 🙂
When you look from this perspective, you’ll better understand why the Intrapersonal Communication—how you communicate with yourself—is so important.
The members of your Inner Team might be the inner saboteur (that negative voice in your head that always tries to discourage you), your inner cheerleader (do you hear it sometimes?), your inner child (who probably didn’t get enough attention or recognition while growing up) … and you have many more Inner Team members.
Although not all are always loud enough to get your attention. Or you learned to ignore them in time.
Stick with me, I’ll share an example below.
Each of us is a complex system. We play many roles at the same time: son/ daughter, employee/ entrepreneur, husband/ wife, friend, etc. We have to juggle between different roles often (which might have competing priorities) and our needs, while we focus on contributing to the world through our work and building the life we want.
Not to mention the limiting beliefs hidden in our unconscious mind, guiding us on “autopilot” in undesirable directions … without us even realizing. That’s a lot to deal with!
How can we better manage this complex system (all our inner roles and beliefs) while dealing with external challenges at the same time?
By becoming more skillful in managing our Intrapersonal Communication. System coaching can bring some insights on how to improve it; how to make your Inner Team work more effectively, to help you advance toward your goal(s) with more energy and less inner struggles.
Here’s an example from a coaching session:
Alexandra** (Alex) is an experienced journalist passionate about politics. Besides creating an online newspaper and growing it to 100.000 visitors/month, she was looking for a job. When she approached me, Alex was also studying for a second degree in Political Science, which limited the time she could designate to job hunting. However, there were a lot of things she could do to put herself in a better position.
Our session helped her better understand her strengths, and how to leverage them more effectively by enrolling her Inner Team in pursuing her objective (instead of letting her inner struggles drain her energy).
We started by identifying the most important members of her Inner Team and their current roles: “daughter”, “student”, “journalist”, “girlfriend”, and “job seeker.”
- When I asked about each of them, Alex noticed first how much the “daughter” was suffering from the recent loss of her mom.
- The “student” had to miss some exams (due to traveling abroad to be with her mother in her final days). Also, catching up with university courses and exams added additional stress.
- The “journalist” struggled between the passion for writing, less time for it, and the lack of concentration caused by grief.
- Being a caring person, Alex’s boyfriend understood her situation. However, the “girlfriend” suffered for not being able to show him more affection (as she’d love to); and felt guilty.
- Plus, since money was a big issue for Alex, the “job seeker” put a lot of pressure on her.
Until we explored these inner roles, they were doing their own battles. Imagine the chatter in Alex’s mind!
Sometimes they fought each other over who got to get Alex’s attention and keep it longer. Before identifying these roles, Alex had a hard time figuring out where to focus first.
How did Alex tame that chatter?
We gradually explored each role to better understand its strengths, struggles, and needs. Then we moved on to noticing how these roles can help each other, and Alex (since they were part of her Inner Team)—instead of fighting for her attention and energy.
- The “daughter” was suffering the most, so we asked the other roles at least to understand her situation, and to be more compassionate.
- The “journalist” offered to help the “job seeker” to better present itself, by focusing on its strengths, experience, and education; also, researching and targeting companies that could benefit from Alex’s background. It even took on a temporary role of “observer” to write more skilfully about her. They—“journalist” and “job seeker”—started to brainstorm and collaborate to create a simple website that will better highlight Alex’s skills and expertise.
- Did I mention Alex speaks five languages?! Yes, five! With the “journalist” and the “online newspaper owner” on her side, we brainstormed how she can leverage the power of her newspaper—to add more value to its 100.000 readers and bring in additional income. First thing that came to her mind was to connect with companies who could be interested in having exposure to such audience, and offer them a chance to reach out to these readers with valuable content—while helping her build a stream of income. She had other ideas as well, including promotions.
- By getting more peace of mind (since the “job seeker” got some help), the “student” was able to focus more on studying.
- The sudden loss of her mom’s love and attention made the “daughter” cry for help. The “girlfriend” responded with generosity to her request, showing Alex more love and affection than before. She (“girlfriend”) quickly understood that when you don’t feel loved enough, you cannot give to someone else (to her boyfriend). So the “girlfriend” decided to take care of the “daughter” first; helping someone else could made her feel better… which could benefit Alex’s relationship as well.
At the end of the session, Alex was more relaxed. With a game plan in her hands, she could even put on a smile.
Back to you
- Does this example helps to better understand what the Intrapersonal Communication means? And how does it affect you?
- How could you enrol your Inner Team to help you reduce the stress and move toward your goals?
This example shows how system thinking and system coaching can apply even to individuals.
We are complex systems as well, and both the Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Communications can shape our personal and professional lives.
While no two people or experiences are same, the system coaching methods help the “system” reveal to itself, become more aware of what’s possible, and more creative in finding solutions to overcome inner and outer barriers.
Need help to improve your Intrapersonal Communication, so you can overcome challenges more easily and improve your life?
Contact us or check our Wholistic Life Coaching packages.
Gabriela Casineanu, MSc, MBA
MBTI certified System Coach • Award-Winning Author
Founder, Introverts Academy
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*Intrapersonal Communication is the way you communicate with yourself, how you handle your own internal dialog. Both Intrapersonal and Interpersonal Intelligences were described by Thomas Howard Gardner— professor of education at Harvard University—in his theory on Multiple Intelligences.
**Alexandra gave me the permission to write about her coaching experience, hoping this example helps others.