I like to empower introverts to step up for themselves, and noticed that many struggle with public speaking. It reminds me about how I used to be: quite shy, refraining to voice my opinion (even in small groups of people I knew), my voice trembling when someone paid attention to me speaking, allowing others to step into my personal space (when what I needed the most was to be by myself)…
That was before I took steps to get out of my comfort zone, like facilitating a workshop. I still remember the full spectrum of emotions while heading down the street to the organization that accepted my workshop for their clients. My palms were sweating, and all kinds of thoughts were marching in my head. Who am I to do this? Am I competent enough? What if …? The courage to do that workshop came from that inner force wanting to be unleashed, to share my ideas and help others. I guess my inner force was there all the time, but I really noticed and paid more attention to it after applying coaching on myself—to remove negative emotions from previous experiences and limiting beliefs that were holding me back. That workshop went well, and I’ve designed and facilitated many since. My confidence increased, and I ended up even enjoying it. However, I’m still an introvert who needs a lot of time to recharge after each workshop or webinar.
Since I love analogies, I’d like to share with you what I’ve learned from public speaking that could apply to improving both personal and professional relationships. The “audience” could be your potential client, colleague, boss, friend, partner … you name it!
1. Be authentic
No matter how much you try to please others, if you don’t bring yourself out, you’re projecting a wrong image of who you are. Some questions to ponder:
• Do you project the image of the real you? Or of a fictitious person you (unconsciously) made up? Because people make assumptions based on what they notice.
• How long could you sustain that fictitious image without being caught?
Others can’t understand who you are and what you think if you don’t speak up and show up as who you really are.
As Oscar Wilde said: “Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.” That’s how people can really connect with you.
2. Let your fears go
Fears might haunt you before speaking in public, or even when you speak with one person. You need to let the fears go, and focus on your message instead.
Our mind is so used to go into negative and focus on fears. So we need to make a conscious effort to stay focused on the message we want to deliver (instead of on our fears).
Practicing your speech in advance helps. It’s the same in relationships.
• Do you fear that you’re not understood? Not loved enough?
• Not good enough for your partner or your professional role?
Put aside those fears and focus on what you really want to say. Let yourself express in that way, not to be blocked by your fears.
3. Get curious
Asking questions is a great way to engage your audience, to get feedback and find out if your assumptions are true.
It also makes others feel good, knowing that their voice is important.
• This is true for both personal and professional relationships, isn’t it?
For introverts, it’s even more important. Because it can give you the courage to get out of your comfort zone and feel less stressed when you’re surrounded by unknown people. Plus, asking questions brings more perspectives and ideas into your awareness—helping you understand better what’s going on and what else you can do.
4. Listen to the audience
Deep listening, I mean. Besides hearing the words when someone is speaking, we also need to pay attention to the emotional field (what we perceive with through our senses). If we notice double signals (the wording and the non-verbal clues are not aligned) we can handle the situation in a more skillful way.
• Is tension building up? Is it too quiet? Too emotional? Embarrassing?
The emotional field informs us about what’s ready to unfold. By being aware of these signals, you can help the process (if you want to go more in that direction) or redirect it somewhere else.
Deep listening also includes paying attention to what the other is saying, not just to the voice in your head (while they’re talking).
5. Have an intention and plan accordingly
A public speaker sets an intention or objective for each speaking engagement. And they plan and align their actions accordingly.
• Do you do this with your interpersonal relationships?
For example: maybe your intention is to build a great life together with that special person who makes you feel happy, loved, and appreciated. If you lose that aim from sight (getting caught in the day-to-day routine), you won’t continue to take the right actions (on your side) that can lead to building a great life together. So soon you might find yourself out of the path you chose at the beginning.
It’s the same for professional relationships, although the objectives are different.
6. Be a giver … up to a certain point (so important for introverts!)
Before delivering a speech, public speakers can’t know exactly how the audience will react. They put themselves out there, give first (with an open mind), then notice the results. Even if they’re different from their expectations, there are still great lessons to learn.
• Are you a giver in your interpersonal relationship? Or do you expect first?
• Do you give yourself too much in a relationship, to a point you forget who you are and your needs?
If they don’t pay attention, introverts can go over the board giving and helping others—and frustration accumulates in time.
They also need to pay attention to recharging their energy when needed, because continuing to give without replenishing your reserves can lead to burnout.
Giving is a way to build great relationships … if we don’t lose ourselves in the process!
7. Be flexible
Even if you deliver the same speech to different audiences, the experience is unique.
Each audience comes with its own environment, energy, interactions … so you need to be flexible to adjust to each situation!
• How flexible are you in your relationships?
The people you’re talking to might be in a different mood, change their mind, have more time available, or get additional information by next time you bring up a topic. Or you may find a better way to explain your thoughts in different circumstances.
Assuming you know how the person will react, or not even try, will make you miss opportunities.
Appreciate your differences and be open to learn from each situation. Don’t expect to be understood without some effort on your part.
We are unique human beings, with different backgrounds and ways of thinking, and how we think and act in a situation depends on many factors. So be open to discovery, be flexible and adjust—if you want the most of your interpersonal relationships.
Getting stuck in your own point of view doesn’t help your relationships either.
In System Coaching, we consider that everyone is right, but only partially—from their own perspective.
Positive results don’t come by themselves. A relationship is a “team” effort.
You can make a conscious effort to help your relationships advance in the direction you want. And, if things still don’t work, at least you did your best.
Comment below which point resonated more with you. How can you use it more skillfully to build great relationships?
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Other resources from Introverts Academy:
• Navigating the Relationship Landscape (with ease) – book with self-reflecting questions
• Sharpen Your Life Skills: Q&A for Introverts – mini sessions
• Wholistic Life Coaching for Introverts
Gabriela Casineanu, MSc, MBA, MBTI
Founder, Introverts Academy